A Small Update

I've stopped working on my manuscript. 

The main reason is that the laptop crashed and I (like an idiot) had only backed up about 3/4 of it. Which sucks. Because I had daydreamed of holding this one in my hand one day. But now that a lot of it is lost in cyberspace, I'm not working on it anymore. Call me a quitter, it's okay, I'm living with it. 
And I think it's a good thing because before the laptop crashed I had to force myself to sit down and write every day. It was a chore. I'd set rewards for myself, like, if you can write 500 words tonight, you can do this, that, or the other thing. But I've talked to writers recently who wake up every morning just itching to sit down and work on their WIPs. They have such a beautiful, strong motivation to just do it, and it's not a chore that needs a reward at the end of it to get it done--it is a reward in itself. And I just didn't have that with this one. The concept and the characters are still in my heart in a special way, I'm so madly in love with it all. it's just one of those things that is adding to the stress and maybe now isn't the time to be working on it. 

At first this scared me a bit. I thought maybe I was losing some of my writing passion. But since stopping, I've realized how I itch to write other things. Shorter things, maybe. I have more blog post ideas, short story ideas. I want to write little articles about things going on in the world, if not for the world, then just for me. I feel motivated to write again and it’s  a great feeling. 

I think you guys deserve a little life update. 

It’s Easter break. I find myself sleeping in and feeling well-rested. Eating eggs for lunch, which is a luxury in my mind. Making myself wear outfits other than my go-to jeans and an oversized college hoodie and just generally taking better care of my appearance. Drinking more water because it’s a lifesaver. Going downtown and looking in shops I don’t normally look in. Not stressing about my future anymore because I’m convinced God has it under control. Writing down ideas. Looking forward to graduation. Getting ready for the day lazily and slowly, a cup of black coffee on my dresser. 

I dunno, guys. It’s the little things I guess that add up to the big things. But right now, I’ve got  six weeks left of school and four and a half months until I move to college, and those may seem like big things (probably because they are) but the time is going to be so so filled with all these little moments that I can’t wait to experience. 

Good Friday

The Cross is so powerful. 

Often as Christians we tend to sort of belittle the Cross. It’s been an image for us since we were young and we get used to it. We stop acknowledging the power and the trust and the love behind Christ’s death. 

This Good Friday, realize again the intensity of God’s love for you through the Crucifix. Realize His passion for you, realize that if you were the only person that would be saved by His death, He would still endure the entire Passion and death for you alone. 

Realize that the Cross is the answer to every question you could ever have. We always ask God how he could dare allow this pain in our lives. But the Cross is the answer. The Cross is how God wins our trust, our love, our souls.

Look to the Cross, not just today, but every day for the rest of you life. Hold onto it. 

If You Can Hear Me

Can you hear me? 

It's okay if you can't. 

I'm told I'm quiet. 

And you're busy. 

It's fine. 

I know you're there. 

I'll just talk, okay? 

The devil likes to talk 

He likes to whisper lies

And sometimes I believe him

Because he's the only one I can hear. 

Sometimes I can't hear you

And I lose sight of what's true. 

It makes me sad. 

It makes me feel like there's no light anymore.

I can't breathe.

I'm struggling. 

It's hard to trust someone who feels so far away. 

Do you have this? 

Is this under control? 

Because I'm confused.

I know you're there. 

I just want to know if you can hear me. 

It'd be nice if you could hold my hand. 

Hold my heart instead.




I’m not depressed guys. I just know that people go through difficult trials in their lives and sometimes it’s hard to remember that God is there. Keep your chin up, because He is listening. :)

The Emotion vs The Reality

I've had a lot of time to sit and think about what my goals are, what I'm headed towards. Rainy SoCal days tend to do that to a person.

That tends to be what people focus on. Once you're a teenager, people begin to judge you based on where you are headed. So what do you want to do? What do you want to be? 

This morning I found a bookmark on my desk (hidden under a multitude of papers and books and homework hi there) with a quote on it by St. Teresa of Avila: Do whatever most kindles love in you. And at first I was struck by the thought that maybe St. Teresa was lining up with this whole movement going on today that tells us all to follow our hearts, an idea I believe has become twisted in modern society. I was confused by what she might mean. 

But I don't think St. Teresa was trying to tell us to just go with our feelings. She's telling us to do whatever kindles love in us. 

We shouldn't do whatever we want, which is what I think this new phrase "follow your heart" is twisted to mean nowadays. This idea that has been the message of so many movies and songs and movements these days is that we should love ourselves first, above all else, and do whatever we think will make us happy, regardless of what anyone else feels or thinks. We should just follow whatever our emotions tell us. 

Love is an outward thing, not an inward one. Love is wanting the good of the other. Love is sacrifice and patience and so very, very unselfish. If we do anything, it should be something that kindles this kind of love in us. Another great saint, Mother Teresa, said, do little things with great love. This should be our motto. We cannot have this selfish, "me-first", "follow-my-heart" mentality. We should always have this goal that no matter what we end up doing with out lives, true, good, unselfish love results. Not only results, but is engrained in our every little action. 

Hello, My Name Is ____

So. They call you the nerd. The chick who wears Star Wars t-shirts and dies her hair blue and reads more than she talks. The one who writes fanfic and gets straight A's and dreams of otherworldly ideas. 

They call you the athlete. The one who is devoted to her team, who never changes out of her jersey, who is loud and competitive. The one who is on a diet and spends her free time in the gym and flunked math but that's okay because you're future is on the field. 

They call you the diva. The one who has more makeup brushes than could actually be useful, who always lends clothes to people because who wouldn't want to dress like you? The one who has tried every drink at Starbucks and doesn't eat carbs and looks cute in every Snapchat filter. 

They call you the "funny one". The one who has a quick wit and a sweet smile, the one who couldn't possibly have any personal problems because she just jokes and laughs 24/7. 


Well. What if the nerd can throw a perfect spiral. 

What if the athlete wears makeup. 

What if the diva likes pizza. 

What if the "funny one" cries herself to sleep each night. 

What then? society asks. How do we label them now? 

You don't. 

Know why? 

Because you are so much more than the name tag pinned to your shirt. You are so much more than your perfect three-pointer, your favorite makeup brand, your hair color, your style, your playlist, your job. People try to make these things into labels, making it a big deal to pin a word to someone's forehead and saying, this, this is what you are. 

So what are you? 

I'm ____. 

Don't fill in that blank. That blank can't capture what you are, what you do, where you've been, the things you go through each day, what makes you smile, laugh, cry. YOU'RE COMPLEX. You, reading this, are such a complex being, and it's amazing! You're a child of God, and He made you to be this way! He made you, and you are pleasing to Him. YOU please the Father of the universe. 

Labels are painful. Don't attach labels to something so complex and beautiful as yourself. You have so much to offer the world, more than what fits into that blank. 

So go spread the love of God today. Because He made us in His Holy Image, but not everyone knows that. Go share the good news. 

First Day of Lent Thoughts...

I went to my first high school winter formal over the past weekend. I helped put it on, actually, and it was a ton of work, but the outcome was worth it. I had so many of my favorite people in one place, and we all dressed up and took horrid quality photos and danced till our muscles ached. 

There's a certain glow that is added to life once you find the right relationships with people. Once you take a step back and look at all the friendships you've made, and think yes, THESE are the ones I want in my life forever. Not all friendships work out, but once you've gotten to a point where you realize, wow, this isn't going anywhere... they're here to stay... that's a beautiful feeling. These are the people I want to have good conversations with, people I want to laugh with and walk through life's obstacles with. People I want to take ridiculously bad looking pictures with, and see new places with, and explore new memories with.

We don't have to find them right away. Often it takes a lifetime to find your good relationships and build a good group of friends. And I'm not naive; I know that even though it feels like the friendships I have now are forever, I know that life happens and they may not last. But it's so nice to just think about who is in your life NOW, who is making your life a happier one. 

This is something I have discovered with my relationship with God recently as well. The people in my life, even if it feels like the perfect, life-long friendship, could leave someday. But my friendship with God is truly the perfect, everlasting relationship. So I want to spend time this Lent building it up. I want my friendship with God to be a meaningful one, one that becomes not just a part of my life, but IS my life. 

This is what I'm working on this Lent. I'm spending more time with God. 

Hello February!

Guys!! I've been absent a lot, I know, I haven't been very active on this blog or others. BUT THAT CHANGES. Hopefully. 

Let's talk about January though! 

LIFE THINGS

Went back to school, was super busy all the time, same old, same old. I went to the LA Walk for Life, which was really awesome. 

I just enjoyed this month. I got better at living in the moment and enjoying what comes. My eating habits were pretty bad coming into this month, but I made myself start eating better and I mentally feel a lot better when I eat healthy. So I've been in a pretty good mood lately. :) But I also learned more about my own faith and discovered I've set up some boundaries for myself in my own spiritual life. I'm working on taking them down because God loves me with an infinite love, and while I can never repay that, I want to be able to honestly say I can give Him all of me. 

BOOK THINGS

Mostly re-reading... except for school. I'm reading Dante's Divine Comedy in English, although actually that's a re-read too...But I have a post inspired by the Inferno coming, and I'm excited about it. 

WRITING THINGS

I set a deadline for myself, that I had to hit 45K words before the end of the month. And I failed, but I came pretty close! And I've decided to stop setting so many deadlines when it comes to writing this book because it takes the fun away from it and makes it feel like a chore and I get less motivated to write. 

It's going to be a long book, though. No end in sight. I'm hoping to be done before summer starts though. 

January was...

//late nights where the world seems altered just the slightest

//mac n cheese dinners

//sitting in the very front pew in church, talking to God

//spontaneous adventures that weren't actually that spontaneous but there was a lot of laughter :)

//early morning drives

//rain on the window

Favorite January Moments...

//writing in a cafe

//driving with the windows down

//laughing with my brothers about inside jokes

//eating In N Out (I mean it's just the best, it should always be in this list)

LET'S TALK!! HOW WAS YOUR MONTH?