simple summertime

2:33 pm. 

Passenger seat of a beat-up Volkswagen, sitting on a towel because the leather seat burned my legs. Nike shorts and a bathing suit, bare feet, tangled hair down. Windows down, 85 degrees, scrunched noses burnt pink. Freckles and sparkle eyes and no makeup. Speaker blares country music and our lungs tighten from singing and laughing. Limbs tired from an eight hour work day, but shoulders are light and relaxed because the beach is ahead. 

Bathed in steady, California sunlight, it was a near perfect moment. A moment that felt like the stereotypical summer you see high schoolers having in the movies. A moment away from work, from adulting, from college, from thinking about the future. 

One drive. We drove from work to the ocean. A healthy dose of happiness to brighten my life. 

It's that simple. Happiness comes in the small things. 

summer 2k19 has been moments like this. small happy moments amongst a messy, messy life. but the small happy moments make the messy ones seem less messy. 

Freshman Year

I've been planning on doing a freshman year recap post since like February. I've been planning on doing the usual; a list of random little lessons I learned or moments that made me happy throughout the year. 

But thinking about it, a list doesn't cover it. So here's some of my raw, unrequested thoughts on Freshman year of college (lol). 

Confidence. I didn't really have a grasp on the word in high school. By senior year, I'd come out of my shell a bit and was able to be outgoing around classmates I'd known for years. And at the time I compared that to 13-yr-old me who could barely get out a whisper and was pretty proud of how far I'd come. I thought I had the confidence thing down. 
But other people's opinions of me consumed me still. I let everyone else decide different details about me, and gave others the power to control so much about myself, including my moods and emotions. Whether or not I had a good day was entirely out of my control because I let it be so. I was so dependent on others for happiness and verification. 

This was my biggest struggle. Everyone else had so much power over me, and because of it, I felt bruised. Everyone else's opinions hit me like punches. 
It's a common problem for teenage girls I realize. Throughout social media you can see the surface-level attempts to right the issue. Cheesy self-love poems and artsy quotes about how I am enough are so popular, it seems excessive and, yeah, I've wanted to gag a few times. It sometimes seems ridiculous, but maybe look a little deeper at what these Pinterest quotes are trying to correct. Thousands of teenagers who are kept up at night wondering why they aren't enough of this, of that. Why they aren't enough. It hurts. 

This year, I've finally outgrown that toxic way of thinking. I’ve found people to surround myself with who support me and love me and who grow with me. People who don’t pretend around me, or make me feel like I have to pretend around them. I don’t feel guilty for just being myself anymore.

I’m not blind to how imperfect I am. I see on the daily how much I need Jesus, and how much I need Mary to get to Jesus. I recently reconsectrated myself to Mary, and if you’d like a post just on that experience I’d love to write one. 

I know I lack so much, and that I need to rely on God for so much. I know this, and I’m working on it. But I’ve grown to see also how much God has blessed me with, and this has given me the strength to grow into more of who God wants me to be. I’m not there yet, but with His help I get closer each day. :) 

But it wouldn’t be a freshman year recap post without a list of some kind, so here are a few moments I’m going to miss: 

// dorm nights where me and my friends eat Trader Joe’s snacks in one of our rooms and play music and talk for hours

// walking to a dance and hearing the music gettting louder and louder 

// late nights out, laughing dileriously 

// hitting the “wow” moment in class that just blows all our minds because God is so simple yet so complex 

// sitting down after demonstrating a Euclid prop (the BEST feeling) 

// hiking every Friday after class to the top of the hill and looking down at the campus

// bundling up for colder weather 

// coffee and thrift stores on a Saturday

// beach sunsets as often as possible

// reading in the courtyard

// sleeping in and waking up slowly on a Saturday morning, showering and listening to music 

// bonfire smoke that lingers on our clothes

Words can’t express how crazy and amazing and life changing this year has been. <3

The Lupine Lady

Im a firm believer in the little things of life. 

Anyone who has been with this blog for a good amount of time will know this. I write about it all the time, because I’ve trained myself to start to notice them. No one will ever truly be capable of noticing every little blessing God showers on us each day, but I want to seek out as many as I can. 

My favorite book when I was little was a book called the Lupine Lady. I don’t remember all the details of the story, but I remember the watercolor illustrations of a woman planting lupines. She would travel the world and plant lupines wherever she went, making the world a little more beautiful. 

Looking back on it, I’ve realized how much this shaped me. Life is a gift. I want to use every ounce of it. 

I’ve struggled so much the past few months with where I am in life. I’ve gone through so many days where I think of choices I’ve made the get me here and I feel like they were safe. In August I moved out, and at the time it felt like a big deal. And it is, but at the same time, I only moved 45 minutes away. To a college that ive been so familiar with my whole life. And I go home at least three times a month, even just for dinner. My friends from high school are scattered around the country, or even the planet. And I’m still in California, where I was born and raised, doing what felt like nothing special. 

Most of this hit me last semester, and around November I was itching to leave. I love my school with all my heart, and the curriculum here actually surprised me; I realized I wasn’t as familiar with the college as I thought. I’m in love with what we do here. But at the time, I wanted to travel. I wanted to experience the world. 

I was frustrated because I knew I couldn’t leave. I took it to God so many times, and every time I knew He was telling me to stay. And yeah I was frustrated. Frustrated that Gods plan for me was so slow. Frustrated that Gods plan for me always seems to involve me waiting for something. Again and again God asks me to wait. 

2018 was the first year in forever that I’ve spent the whole year in one place. Yes, technically I moved to school, but I didn’t travel anywhere. The farthest I went at all in 2018 was LA, which is less than two hours away. I think a lot of me feeling eager to get out into the world was because of this. 
So I started off 2019 with a weekend trip to San Francisco with my friends. It was a little taste of the world, and definitely helped my travel bug. 

I’ve always believed happiness is a choice. Not to say it’s like a light switch, which we can turn on or off at any given moment. Not even to say that it’s a choice to see the good or the bad. But it’s a choice to see the good despite the bad. 
I believe that if you train yourself to notice the little blessings God sends you each day... THIS is the secret to happiness. It’s not practiced enough. Life isn’t about changing the world, but seeing God in the world. And God is loudest in the small moments. 

My campus is nestled in these lush green, rolling hillsides. I went on a hike and found a whole field of beautiful purple lupines. It brightened my day, and made me remember why lupines are my favorite flower. Because they remind me that life is the little things. Life is finding God in the little things. 

I still have a passion for travel, but God has already begun opening that door to me. This year is going to be unlike last—I’m going to experience a bit more of life I think. And I’m excited to find God in new ways throughout it all, and try to make the world a little more beautiful along the way. 


“You must do something to make the world more beautiful.” - the lupine lady 

Beautiful exhausting day

Today was exhausting. The kind of day where I found myself thinking, wow, literally everything that could’ve gone wrong today did.

How wrong I am.

Here are a few things about my day that made me smile:

// sunshine after weeks of rain

// churros

// afternoons lying on the grass soaking up the sunlight

// texts that made me laugh

// friends that make me forget about difficult classes and annoying obstacles

// my roommate who helped me out cuz I was so busy  (she’s the bomb)

// baby plants (SO CUTE)

// dogs

// lemon poppyseed muffins

// lavender lattes

// the beautiful chapel that echoed our prayers to heaven

// poppies

// a really good tuna sandwich

// hugs


What a beautiful day :) take the time to step back and recognize that no day is completely without a happy moment, no matter how small.

Stay positive and be kind today.

11/28/18

My favorite day of 2018. 

I don't one hundred per cent know why, it's just one of those days that lives in the back of my memory and makes me feel happy each time I think back on it. It wasn't anything super special. I woke up thinking it would be a normal day. And it was, for the most part, just the normality of it and the little things that went right made life great. 

I woke up to grey skies, which to most people is a downer, but to me is a sign of rain. And rain to me is a sign of fresh starts and washing the world clean. It's a promise of green along the hills and warm firesides. It was a Wednesday, and Wednesdays are the calmest days of the week. I dressed up in an outfit that I love, a cute skirt and my new denim jacket, and went to breakfast as usual. I only have morning classes on Wednesdays, so I'm done with school by 11AM. The classes were interesting, and I felt awake and engaged in both. 
A priest who lives in the area had come up to campus to have lunch with me and a few other freshman at my college who went to high school with me. I'm still very good friends with the guys who came with me to college from high school, but I don't always get the chance to sit down and have lunch with them all. It was fun to all be together and catch up with one another. 
Someone had been able to cover most of my work shift while I was at lunch, but as soon as I was done I changed into joggers and a t-shirt and went to work, though I only had about twenty minutes left of my shift. I washed pots in the school kitchen for twenty minutes, then clocked out and started to head back up to my dorm. It was beginning to drizzle, and as I cut across the grass toward my building, the campus dog started following me at my heels. He's an old dog, been the school dog as long as I can remember, but he was keeping up with me as I walked. 
I stopped at the turn where I would go to my dorm, but Rusty the dog kept going toward the hills. He stopped and looked at me and I thought, why not? I followed him up behind the dorm buildings and crawled through a gate and hiked up the hill. At the top of the hill, I could see the entire campus laid out before me like a blanket. The light mist had become a thicker drizzle, and water droplets dotted my phone when I brought it out to take a picture. 

I got back to my dorm building and had a calm few hours in. I read in my fuzzy socks and friends came in and out of my room to chat and watch the rain with me through my window. There's a tree right outside my room, and I love to watch the leaves bounce under the weight of the water droplets. 

After an hour or two, I got dressed up again. My dad was coming to pick me up. I borrowed my friend's boots and wore them with fuzzy socks and tights, a skirt, and my military jacket. I walked down and met him at the beautiful school chapel. 
We drove home and I got to see my brothers and sisters for a bit. My mom, sisters, and I drove up to Santa Barbara to go see a production of Cinderella at the theater on State Street. Santa Barbara was all dressed up for Christmas, and there was even a live band playing Christmas carols. The lights reflected off the wet sidewalks, and the music made it feel like a movie scene. 
The show was so well done and very cute, and I walked out after with the kind of glowing happy buzz only the theater can give you. It was pouring rain, and we had no umbrella, so my mom, my sisters, and I raced through the Christmas-themed streets back to the car. My boots kept my feet warm and my face got numb from smiling. 
Mom drove me back to school, and I watched the rain pound on the windows. The heater in the car made me sleepy. I got back to school and said goodbye to my mom, and climbed into my dorm through my friend's bedroom window because the front door was locked. 



2018 has been a "living in the moment" year. I didn't make any major goals for this year because I knew it was going to be a crazy one, and I wanted to focus on staying positive and present throughout it all. I graduated high school and moved away to college and turned nineteen and met a lot of new amazing people and gained some new perspective and grew a lot. I have high hopes for 2019. 

Question: what kind of posts do you want to see from me in the new year? 

slow down

Everyone is so caught up with dreams of ruling the world. 

Everyone is blinded by the light of success and breathless from running towards it. 

Everyone is convinced that life is a race, a game, a path with a finish line. 


Everyone has different timing. One may be ready when you are not. 

Another's plan and timing is not your own. 

Accept and embrace where you are now. The time will come when it will be gone and you'll move on to the next chapter of your life. 

Don't rush it. It'll come when you are ready. 

day in the life (working with Purple Trail)

6:45 my first alarm goes off. the blinds are shut and my eyelids are heavy and suddenly my bed is the most wonderful place in the world and I don't want to get up. 

7:20 skincare and getting ready. I've got this part down to a routine. I play music quietly as I get dressed for the day, which helps wake up my brain and put me in a good mood for the day. 





8:10 I sit in the coffee shop with my friend going over my homework one more time. it's empty except for us two and the barista. our table is crowded with books, a mason jar of near-dead flowers, and our lattes. floor to ceiling windows let in the fresh, dewey morning light.

8:30 class

11:02 I head to the cafeteria. I find a table with friends and we get a start on homework and prepare for our afternoon classes, all the while distracting ourselves with funny stories of our mornings and making plans for the weekend. 

11:45 lunch

12:20 I'm back in my dorm, slowly getting ready for my afternoon class. I clean and listen to music and make sure I have my latin vocab words memorized. 

1:00 class

3:30 I go back to the cafeteria and talk to my roommate. we generally don't see each other much throughout the first part of the day, but she works in the cafeteria at 3:30, so I always stop by and talk to her for a bit. I grab a cup of coffee and head up to the dorm and do homework. 

5:30 dinner. I run down with my friend and we eat quickly because we have way too much reading to do. 

7:30 I meet my roommate and my friends in the coffee shop. we play ping pong and read at the bar, and let ourselves relax a little at the end of the day. 

10:00 Mass. the church is dark and quiet and I love ending the day with God. 

11:00 curfew. my friends and I will change and eat whatever snacks we have and do face masks and talk about our day and unwind. 

11:45 bed 




I wanted to give you guys a little taste of my day at college. Usually, my days get pretty busy and there's a lot I need to remember. Planners have been a lifesaver. 

I'm really excited to announce that Purple Trail is sponsoring this post. Guys, their planners are so high quality and stunning. They're completely customizable and come in two sizes, and a tiny version is available! Like I said, you can fully customize them to your liking, so you can choose coil or sewn bound, the cover is completely customizable with three cover finishing options, and with the premium planners you can get them in foil! There are weekly, daily, monthly, family, wedding, content, teacher and student options. All their planners are high quality and beautiful, you can't really go wrong. 

*above photos provided by purpletrail.com







Check them out! Thank you, Purple Trail, for reaching out to me! 

Nineteen at 19

I turned nineteen yesterday. (Pause while I wrap my mind around that.) 

Year eighteen was honestly a really good year. But it wasn't the easiest, and I ended up leaning a lot. So I'm here to share with you. A lot of these I learned the hard way, but I think because of that they're going to stick with me for the long run. 

1) Time heals all wounds. Things that mattered a year ago no longer do. 

2) Somehow, it all works out. 

3) Everyone fights their own battles. 

4) Tea is better than coffee (come at me bro)

5) Family wont fade away like friends will 

6) Time management is everything

7) Comparison is poison

8) God has a plan! 

9) Skincare is vital--learn about your own skin and how to care for it

10) Happiness is a choice

11) You are on your own journey--ENJOY IT! 

12) Be prepared to work for your goals

13) Don't be embarrassed of yourself--laugh at your mistakes

14) Crying doesn't equal weakness

15) Just be kind, all the time

16) Don't be afraid to walk the less-beaten path

17) Read Flannery O'Conner. Now. 

18) Remember to breathe 

19) God is so real and so near to you. 

Looking forward to all the blessings I'll receive this year :)

Quick Life Update

So much had changed, guys, I don't even know where to begin. 

aug. 16th, 2018. I moved to college. 

And now I get up in the morning to a familiar dorm room, and I have a college morning routine, and I see people in the bathroom whom I know and have become friendly with, and we say good morning before washing the sleep from our faces. And I know the chill of the hills that the campus is on, and I know the flowers that grow and where the bees like to gather. I walk the beaten path across the grass, I have a favorite seat in the library, I have inside jokes with people I pass by. I have a favorite college class. I read and read and read, and I feel insanely blessed to be getting an education based on one of my favorite things in the world: reading. Not just reading, but reading the best that humanity has to offer; Plato, Fabre, Socrates, Homer, the Bible, Flannery O'Conner, Aristotle. 

I get up every day, and I go and learn how to think. I learn how to consider and discuss questions I never would have thought of before. And I learn how to find answers for myself, and not let someone else hand them to me. I am allowed to be vocal, and have an opinion. I can show my classmates and my teachers my own train of thought, and they listen and treat my ideas with respect and help me find a conclusion to satisfy my wonder. 

It's work. It's stressful, late-night, complex, wonderful work. I won't be unrealistic and say that college has been one perfect second after another, but it's been enough for me to know that I'm exactly where I need to be. 

I'm in an awkward position, where when I'm at school, I call home Home. When I'm home, I call school Home. I don't feel torn, though, nor do I think I should be. I don't have two different lives, I have one messy, beautiful, puzzle of a life, and these are just pieces of it. Things have changed a bit, somehow Home has become a word that I'm just thinking more about. I'm not confused by it, but wondering how it can suddenly go from being one thing to being maybe a whole idea of it's own that I can take with me wherever I go. I like the thought that wherever I go in life, I can bring a piece of Home with me, but I'll always have my family to go back to and rely on. I'm tied to one, but can bring a bit of it with me along the way. 

Working with Basic Invites! (Launch of their business cards!)

You guys, I'm super excited to announce that I am working with Basic Invites! Huge thank you to them for sponsoring this post. Quick disclaimer, all thoughts are my own, I would not recommend anything to you guys if I didn't really love it :)

Basic Invites is a greeting card company, with a card for any occasion, and they focus on helping you get exactly the card you have in mind. Their cards are so high quality and absolutely stunning! Their wedding invites are their most popular for a reason--absolutely beautiful. There are so many style and color options, so the cards you want for your special day will be totally you, and exactly what you want. They even have foil cards, available in gold, silver, or, my personal favorite, rose gold. Plus, with the holidays just around the corner, it's basically card-season. You know what I mean, there's a new holiday or special event happening constantly this time of year. Having good quality, not to mention beautiful cards to send out is an essential. And after looking at their website, you're going to want to send a card to everyone you know ;). Here's a link to their holiday cards.

And I know, I know, I understand the struggle of ordering things online. It always feels like it doesn't turn out the way it was supposed to when you actually hold it in your hands, doesn't it? But you'll never have that issue with cards from Basic Invites, because they offer custom samples! You can hold the physical sample in your hands to make sure it's perfect before ordering a bajillion of them (honestly, this solves one of my biggest fears).

Another cool feature, is they make it sooo easy for you to get all your guests' addresses. (Cuz we all know that's a pain) You can do it through Basic Invites now by just using their address capturing service, which lets you request via social media to have their addresses, and then the addresses get stored in your account for you.

Basic Invites is the way go. Planning big events is a huge ordeal, and this company takes the weight of getting the word out off your shoulders. They make it so easy! Their cards are breathtaking, and after a complete customization, they are so personal to you. Their website is absolutely beautiful, just like their cards; you guys should definitely check them out here. 

Take a look at these samples:

I'm so excited to tell you though that Basic Invites has just launched their fancy business cards!! You guys, these cards are SO efficient and useful and completely customizable to be exactly what you want. Definitely check them out!

I was super excited when Basic Invites reached out to me, because I know how much a lot of you love snail mail. I know I always get really pumped when I get mail from you lovely people <3. I've read a lot of your blog posts on snail mail and why it just feels so much more personal and special than a text or email. It requires more time and thought (not to mention it's prettier), and that's why I think it makes us feel happier when we receive or send snail mail. Social media has become a way of life, but if we can step out of that, even for a bit, it is so refreshing.

So I'm very happy to have had this opportunity to work with a greeting card company. Basic Invites is offering a discount code for 15% off: 15FF51

HUGE thank you to Basic Invites, and be sure to check out all their socials:

Facebook

Pinterest

Instagram

Twitter

*all photos provided by Basic Invites*

onward

some things I will miss about home. 

//when my sister reads in bed with a flashlight at night, I can see the beam of light through my open bedroom door and I like to watch it dance while I fall asleep. 

//waking up early and making coffee and sitting on the couch, looking out the big dining room windows at the trees in our yard

//going to lunch with my brothers and laughing so hard my stomach hurts, and I know that's cliche but it's a great moment.

//family dinners

//going to the library with all my siblings

//watching my little sisters grow

//just my family in general. I've been sitting here trying to figure out more things to add to this list, but everything can be summed up by saying I'll just miss my family. 

I'm not even going that far, but it still feels like a big step. I leave tomorrow and I can't really believe it.

ALSO ALSO GUYS on August 2 my blog turned four!! I totally forgot because I was out of town at the time, but GUYS! Four years!! This blog has been with me throughout all of high school and now I plan on taking it with me through college. Thank you for sticking with me <3

"We don't care"

We have a generation that is deaf to the calling of the conscience. 

We have a generation that thinks life can only be lived while we're young, while we're crazy, while we're naive and reckless. 

We have a generation that thinks there won't be consequences, there won't be a mess to clean up, there wont be a tomorrow to deal with regret. 

Or maybe we do. We do hear it. We do know. You wouldn't think we do, but we do. But we just don't care. 

It's all about the now. It's all about living quickly and stupidly because that's what makes memories. It's about ignoring the tug of conscience in the pit of your stomach and saying "we don't care what happens, we just want to have fun." 

We don't care. About the future, about the people around us, about our wellbeing. We're just here for the ride. 

We hear the call of the conscience. We aren't deaf. But we ignore it. And that makes it so much worse. 

Why don't we care? 

This generation is passionate, but not about anything in particular. We are passionate about not caring, not thinking, acting on our momentary lapse of adrenaline and a rush we feel when we don't care. 

We could be so much more. 

We could care. We could care about the world around us, what's going on. We could care about our own futures, how our actions today affect our tomorrows. We could care about the people around us and be selfless and help those who have helped us, instead of thinking only of ourselves. 

This idea that we need to live our lives in a reckless, stupid way, only thinking of having a good time and not caring about what happens, is popular because it feels freeing in the moment. But in reality it's holding us back. 

Be more than that. Be a strong, lasting influence, not a short-lived moment of a false idea of freedom. That dies so quickly. Selfishly not caring dies so quickly. 

Have more concern than that. Be stronger than that. Have pride in who you are and what you can do to be a positive impact on the world. 

Wellness

Lately I've been figuring out what's been making me feel healthier, both mentally and physically. In my early teens, I really did not take good care of my body and it affected everything; my confidence, my health, my mood. It all can be boiled down to just taking better and healthier steps, starting as soon as you wake up in the morning. 

These are things that have been working for me. 

1// Dedicate each day to God as soon as you wake up. 

I always always forget that every day if a gift. If you start out each day with a quick thank you and dedication, it helps keep you focused. And, for me personally, it helps me wake up on the right side of the bed. During the summer I wake up early and go to daily Mass with my brothers, and that's been really great for me.

2// Drink water. 

I know this one is more basic, but water is so under appreciated. It helps with your skin, fighting sickness, and keeping energy up. I always keep water next to my bed so I can start drinking as soon as I get up. Whenever I feel myself starting to get sick, I chug water and 98% of the time, I feel so much better the next day. 

3// Find a solid skincare routine. 

I did not take good care of my skin when I was 15/16, and I hated hated hated my acne. But I didn't know of any good skincare products that worked for me. Now I take much better care of my face and my acne is so improved. Having clear skin is also such a confidence booster. 

I'm using the clear skin routine from Bioclarity.* I love it because it's all natural, plant-based ingredients, so I know I'm not just piling on a bunch of chemicals onto my skin every day. 

*not sponsored, just love the products!

4// Get off your phone! 

We all struggle with this, don't deny it! But life is passing so quickly so go enjoy it! Go spend time with your favorite human beings! 

5// Schedule out your time. 

This is more a mental health tip, but having a schedule takes so much weight off, and seeing everything that you have to do for the day planned out keeps you from stressing about when you'll be able to fit things in. Give yourself an hour for this, and only this, then take a break (also a key step!), then move on to another time slot for another project. If you're into planners, those are also super helpful. 

6// Dress up!

I don't mean fancy, just get out of your pajamas! I don't know about you, but whenever I have a day at home, I get tempted to just lounge around in the clothes I slept in the night before with my hair still in a bun. This isn't good, especially if you have things to do! Put on an outfit. Even if it's still on the comfy side (eg joggers and a t-shirt is what I put on today), it'll feel better. Just as long as they aren't clothes you would sleep in. Get out of bed before 9 AM, comb your hair, wash your face, put on earrings. It'll get you motivated to get things done and not be lazy.

7// Eat good food. 

Life is too short to eat food that doesn't taste good, but it'll be even shorter if you don't eat healthy. Find some snacks that you like and that aren't Oreos. Lately I've been really into sweet potato chips. They don't taste healthy, in a good way. ;)


These are just things that have been working for me and have been keeping me up and bright and energized. If you're interested in learning more about stuff like this, head over to Vanessa's blog. She posts about health and fitness, a topic she's very passionate about. Go show her some support! 

Thank you, V, for reaching out to me and giving me the idea for this post.

Nice to Meet You

It's easy to lose yourself in college. 

I was reading a blog post this morning by a girl who just finished her freshman year at a big UC school. This sentence popped up and got me thinking. In order to lose yourself, you have to have found yourself before, or at least have a decent understanding of who you are. 

I wanted to get it out there--who I am at the moment, my somewhat blurry understanding of who I am as an individual and as a child of God. I wanted the internet to witness this, in case I do lose sight of myself for a bit in college (which I pray won't happen, but I have a feeling it will to some degree). 

So, as of June, 2018, summer after high school graduation, this is who I think I am. 

I am awkward but I am happy. I care too much about what people think of me and that gets me into trouble sometimes. I write but not enough. I wear flannel and t-shirts and my favorite physical feature is my eyes, which are not a consistent color and I think that's really cool. I have loved the color pink since I saw the movie Funny Face for the first time. Trust issues is not, nor do I think it will ever be a problem for me, as I am generally too trusting but I actually like that about myself. However, I have learned to keep my mouth shut about some things. 
I love to smile, as I believe they are contagious and I like making others smile more than anything. I am serious about my faith, but still probably not enough. My sweet tooth will be the death of me. 
I want to travel the world, but don't want a one-way ticket because I love home too much. I want to meet people and drink exotic teas and eat different foods and take pictures. I want to take a lot of pictures so I can bring that little bit of reality home with me as a memory. I want to write about everything I see.
I want to make people proud. This is the biggest fear of mine, that the people I care most about will be disappointed in me. 


I never want to lose sight of God. If I lose sight of who I think I am, it won't matter as much to me as losing sight of Him. This is the most important part of who I am, the fact that I am this way only because He created me to be this way. If I change in college, as long as my existence still glorifies the Creator, I'll be fine. 

Every Day a Little

Do you know how easy it is? 

To sit behind a screen and type out all these things? Do you see how simple it is to string words together and suddenly be a preacher? Explaining the dot-to-dots of life, talking about loving and being loved, about how to follow God, about how to make a difference, about how to not judge people and put them in boxes. It's so easy. 

Why is it so hard to live out? Why do the connections and explanations and inspirations become blurry in real-life situations? Why is it so common that I get inspired by a post and tell myself to change, and then crumble under the real-world? 

Because it doesn't happen so simply. I get frustrated with writing sometimes because it's so easy to type out how to live a good life and how to be a better person and how to squash those faults that have been burning inside me. It's so easy to see it on a screen. I feel like I'm two different people: the person who posts on this blog, the person who appears to have things figured out, who can set words in a sentence and have it make sense. And then the person who goes to school and fails the test or says something rude or ignores God's voice constantly. 

I think we're all kind of like that. I don't think we need to think we're two different people. Life is hard and we are weak. But if you have the intention to change, to be better, to start listening to Him whispering in your heart, then there's no need to beat yourself up, like I tend to do. We try, we fail. The important part is that we try again. 

"To reform. Every day a little. This must be our consent task if we really want to become a saint." 

That's a quote from Saint Josemaria Escriva. It's my senior quote. My mom picked it out for me. I had wanted to find a quote that could sum up my high school experience, and the more I think about it, the more relevant this quote is. I've messed up so many times, but what matters is I want to keep trying. Every day a little. 

A Small Update

I've stopped working on my manuscript. 

The main reason is that the laptop crashed and I (like an idiot) had only backed up about 3/4 of it. Which sucks. Because I had daydreamed of holding this one in my hand one day. But now that a lot of it is lost in cyberspace, I'm not working on it anymore. Call me a quitter, it's okay, I'm living with it. 
And I think it's a good thing because before the laptop crashed I had to force myself to sit down and write every day. It was a chore. I'd set rewards for myself, like, if you can write 500 words tonight, you can do this, that, or the other thing. But I've talked to writers recently who wake up every morning just itching to sit down and work on their WIPs. They have such a beautiful, strong motivation to just do it, and it's not a chore that needs a reward at the end of it to get it done--it is a reward in itself. And I just didn't have that with this one. The concept and the characters are still in my heart in a special way, I'm so madly in love with it all. it's just one of those things that is adding to the stress and maybe now isn't the time to be working on it. 

At first this scared me a bit. I thought maybe I was losing some of my writing passion. But since stopping, I've realized how I itch to write other things. Shorter things, maybe. I have more blog post ideas, short story ideas. I want to write little articles about things going on in the world, if not for the world, then just for me. I feel motivated to write again and it’s  a great feeling. 

I think you guys deserve a little life update. 

It’s Easter break. I find myself sleeping in and feeling well-rested. Eating eggs for lunch, which is a luxury in my mind. Making myself wear outfits other than my go-to jeans and an oversized college hoodie and just generally taking better care of my appearance. Drinking more water because it’s a lifesaver. Going downtown and looking in shops I don’t normally look in. Not stressing about my future anymore because I’m convinced God has it under control. Writing down ideas. Looking forward to graduation. Getting ready for the day lazily and slowly, a cup of black coffee on my dresser. 

I dunno, guys. It’s the little things I guess that add up to the big things. But right now, I’ve got  six weeks left of school and four and a half months until I move to college, and those may seem like big things (probably because they are) but the time is going to be so so filled with all these little moments that I can’t wait to experience.