onward

some things I will miss about home. 

//when my sister reads in bed with a flashlight at night, I can see the beam of light through my open bedroom door and I like to watch it dance while I fall asleep. 

//waking up early and making coffee and sitting on the couch, looking out the big dining room windows at the trees in our yard

//going to lunch with my brothers and laughing so hard my stomach hurts, and I know that's cliche but it's a great moment.

//family dinners

//going to the library with all my siblings

//watching my little sisters grow

//just my family in general. I've been sitting here trying to figure out more things to add to this list, but everything can be summed up by saying I'll just miss my family. 

I'm not even going that far, but it still feels like a big step. I leave tomorrow and I can't really believe it.

ALSO ALSO GUYS on August 2 my blog turned four!! I totally forgot because I was out of town at the time, but GUYS! Four years!! This blog has been with me throughout all of high school and now I plan on taking it with me through college. Thank you for sticking with me <3

"We don't care"

We have a generation that is deaf to the calling of the conscience. 

We have a generation that thinks life can only be lived while we're young, while we're crazy, while we're naive and reckless. 

We have a generation that thinks there won't be consequences, there won't be a mess to clean up, there wont be a tomorrow to deal with regret. 

Or maybe we do. We do hear it. We do know. You wouldn't think we do, but we do. But we just don't care. 

It's all about the now. It's all about living quickly and stupidly because that's what makes memories. It's about ignoring the tug of conscience in the pit of your stomach and saying "we don't care what happens, we just want to have fun." 

We don't care. About the future, about the people around us, about our wellbeing. We're just here for the ride. 

We hear the call of the conscience. We aren't deaf. But we ignore it. And that makes it so much worse. 

Why don't we care? 

This generation is passionate, but not about anything in particular. We are passionate about not caring, not thinking, acting on our momentary lapse of adrenaline and a rush we feel when we don't care. 

We could be so much more. 

We could care. We could care about the world around us, what's going on. We could care about our own futures, how our actions today affect our tomorrows. We could care about the people around us and be selfless and help those who have helped us, instead of thinking only of ourselves. 

This idea that we need to live our lives in a reckless, stupid way, only thinking of having a good time and not caring about what happens, is popular because it feels freeing in the moment. But in reality it's holding us back. 

Be more than that. Be a strong, lasting influence, not a short-lived moment of a false idea of freedom. That dies so quickly. Selfishly not caring dies so quickly. 

Have more concern than that. Be stronger than that. Have pride in who you are and what you can do to be a positive impact on the world. 

Wellness

Lately I've been figuring out what's been making me feel healthier, both mentally and physically. In my early teens, I really did not take good care of my body and it affected everything; my confidence, my health, my mood. It all can be boiled down to just taking better and healthier steps, starting as soon as you wake up in the morning. 

These are things that have been working for me. 

1// Dedicate each day to God as soon as you wake up. 

I always always forget that every day if a gift. If you start out each day with a quick thank you and dedication, it helps keep you focused. And, for me personally, it helps me wake up on the right side of the bed. During the summer I wake up early and go to daily Mass with my brothers, and that's been really great for me.

2// Drink water. 

I know this one is more basic, but water is so under appreciated. It helps with your skin, fighting sickness, and keeping energy up. I always keep water next to my bed so I can start drinking as soon as I get up. Whenever I feel myself starting to get sick, I chug water and 98% of the time, I feel so much better the next day. 

3// Find a solid skincare routine. 

I did not take good care of my skin when I was 15/16, and I hated hated hated my acne. But I didn't know of any good skincare products that worked for me. Now I take much better care of my face and my acne is so improved. Having clear skin is also such a confidence booster. 

I'm using the clear skin routine from Bioclarity.* I love it because it's all natural, plant-based ingredients, so I know I'm not just piling on a bunch of chemicals onto my skin every day. 

*not sponsored, just love the products!

4// Get off your phone! 

We all struggle with this, don't deny it! But life is passing so quickly so go enjoy it! Go spend time with your favorite human beings! 

5// Schedule out your time. 

This is more a mental health tip, but having a schedule takes so much weight off, and seeing everything that you have to do for the day planned out keeps you from stressing about when you'll be able to fit things in. Give yourself an hour for this, and only this, then take a break (also a key step!), then move on to another time slot for another project. If you're into planners, those are also super helpful. 

6// Dress up!

I don't mean fancy, just get out of your pajamas! I don't know about you, but whenever I have a day at home, I get tempted to just lounge around in the clothes I slept in the night before with my hair still in a bun. This isn't good, especially if you have things to do! Put on an outfit. Even if it's still on the comfy side (eg joggers and a t-shirt is what I put on today), it'll feel better. Just as long as they aren't clothes you would sleep in. Get out of bed before 9 AM, comb your hair, wash your face, put on earrings. It'll get you motivated to get things done and not be lazy.

7// Eat good food. 

Life is too short to eat food that doesn't taste good, but it'll be even shorter if you don't eat healthy. Find some snacks that you like and that aren't Oreos. Lately I've been really into sweet potato chips. They don't taste healthy, in a good way. ;)


These are just things that have been working for me and have been keeping me up and bright and energized. If you're interested in learning more about stuff like this, head over to Vanessa's blog. She posts about health and fitness, a topic she's very passionate about. Go show her some support! 

Thank you, V, for reaching out to me and giving me the idea for this post.

Nice to Meet You

It's easy to lose yourself in college. 

I was reading a blog post this morning by a girl who just finished her freshman year at a big UC school. This sentence popped up and got me thinking. In order to lose yourself, you have to have found yourself before, or at least have a decent understanding of who you are. 

I wanted to get it out there--who I am at the moment, my somewhat blurry understanding of who I am as an individual and as a child of God. I wanted the internet to witness this, in case I do lose sight of myself for a bit in college (which I pray won't happen, but I have a feeling it will to some degree). 

So, as of June, 2018, summer after high school graduation, this is who I think I am. 

I am awkward but I am happy. I care too much about what people think of me and that gets me into trouble sometimes. I write but not enough. I wear flannel and t-shirts and my favorite physical feature is my eyes, which are not a consistent color and I think that's really cool. I have loved the color pink since I saw the movie Funny Face for the first time. Trust issues is not, nor do I think it will ever be a problem for me, as I am generally too trusting but I actually like that about myself. However, I have learned to keep my mouth shut about some things. 
I love to smile, as I believe they are contagious and I like making others smile more than anything. I am serious about my faith, but still probably not enough. My sweet tooth will be the death of me. 
I want to travel the world, but don't want a one-way ticket because I love home too much. I want to meet people and drink exotic teas and eat different foods and take pictures. I want to take a lot of pictures so I can bring that little bit of reality home with me as a memory. I want to write about everything I see.
I want to make people proud. This is the biggest fear of mine, that the people I care most about will be disappointed in me. 


I never want to lose sight of God. If I lose sight of who I think I am, it won't matter as much to me as losing sight of Him. This is the most important part of who I am, the fact that I am this way only because He created me to be this way. If I change in college, as long as my existence still glorifies the Creator, I'll be fine. 

Every Day a Little

Do you know how easy it is? 

To sit behind a screen and type out all these things? Do you see how simple it is to string words together and suddenly be a preacher? Explaining the dot-to-dots of life, talking about loving and being loved, about how to follow God, about how to make a difference, about how to not judge people and put them in boxes. It's so easy. 

Why is it so hard to live out? Why do the connections and explanations and inspirations become blurry in real-life situations? Why is it so common that I get inspired by a post and tell myself to change, and then crumble under the real-world? 

Because it doesn't happen so simply. I get frustrated with writing sometimes because it's so easy to type out how to live a good life and how to be a better person and how to squash those faults that have been burning inside me. It's so easy to see it on a screen. I feel like I'm two different people: the person who posts on this blog, the person who appears to have things figured out, who can set words in a sentence and have it make sense. And then the person who goes to school and fails the test or says something rude or ignores God's voice constantly. 

I think we're all kind of like that. I don't think we need to think we're two different people. Life is hard and we are weak. But if you have the intention to change, to be better, to start listening to Him whispering in your heart, then there's no need to beat yourself up, like I tend to do. We try, we fail. The important part is that we try again. 

"To reform. Every day a little. This must be our consent task if we really want to become a saint." 

That's a quote from Saint Josemaria Escriva. It's my senior quote. My mom picked it out for me. I had wanted to find a quote that could sum up my high school experience, and the more I think about it, the more relevant this quote is. I've messed up so many times, but what matters is I want to keep trying. Every day a little. 

A Small Update

I've stopped working on my manuscript. 

The main reason is that the laptop crashed and I (like an idiot) had only backed up about 3/4 of it. Which sucks. Because I had daydreamed of holding this one in my hand one day. But now that a lot of it is lost in cyberspace, I'm not working on it anymore. Call me a quitter, it's okay, I'm living with it. 
And I think it's a good thing because before the laptop crashed I had to force myself to sit down and write every day. It was a chore. I'd set rewards for myself, like, if you can write 500 words tonight, you can do this, that, or the other thing. But I've talked to writers recently who wake up every morning just itching to sit down and work on their WIPs. They have such a beautiful, strong motivation to just do it, and it's not a chore that needs a reward at the end of it to get it done--it is a reward in itself. And I just didn't have that with this one. The concept and the characters are still in my heart in a special way, I'm so madly in love with it all. it's just one of those things that is adding to the stress and maybe now isn't the time to be working on it. 

At first this scared me a bit. I thought maybe I was losing some of my writing passion. But since stopping, I've realized how I itch to write other things. Shorter things, maybe. I have more blog post ideas, short story ideas. I want to write little articles about things going on in the world, if not for the world, then just for me. I feel motivated to write again and it’s  a great feeling. 

I think you guys deserve a little life update. 

It’s Easter break. I find myself sleeping in and feeling well-rested. Eating eggs for lunch, which is a luxury in my mind. Making myself wear outfits other than my go-to jeans and an oversized college hoodie and just generally taking better care of my appearance. Drinking more water because it’s a lifesaver. Going downtown and looking in shops I don’t normally look in. Not stressing about my future anymore because I’m convinced God has it under control. Writing down ideas. Looking forward to graduation. Getting ready for the day lazily and slowly, a cup of black coffee on my dresser. 

I dunno, guys. It’s the little things I guess that add up to the big things. But right now, I’ve got  six weeks left of school and four and a half months until I move to college, and those may seem like big things (probably because they are) but the time is going to be so so filled with all these little moments that I can’t wait to experience. 

Good Friday

The Cross is so powerful. 

Often as Christians we tend to sort of belittle the Cross. It’s been an image for us since we were young and we get used to it. We stop acknowledging the power and the trust and the love behind Christ’s death. 

This Good Friday, realize again the intensity of God’s love for you through the Crucifix. Realize His passion for you, realize that if you were the only person that would be saved by His death, He would still endure the entire Passion and death for you alone. 

Realize that the Cross is the answer to every question you could ever have. We always ask God how he could dare allow this pain in our lives. But the Cross is the answer. The Cross is how God wins our trust, our love, our souls.

Look to the Cross, not just today, but every day for the rest of you life. Hold onto it.