Two Minute Thoughts

I'm an adult now but I don't want that to mean what everyone seems to think it means. I don't want to feel that pressure on my last day of being 17, a "minor", to do crazy things or act wild and young just because my time as a child is over in a few hours. Because your childhood doesn't end in a second. It doesn't stop as the clock switches from 11:59 to 12:00 AM. Everyone's childhood ends differently. Sometimes it's a process. So my childhood may have ended a while ago, or maybe I'm still a child. 

Either way, I'm not going to put pressure on myself to do things before I'm 18. If we didn't document the exact date of my birth, nobody would notice any change in me from November 21 to November 22. It's all just a huge fuss over time. When November 22 does come, I won't suddenly be all grown up because I'm still growing and learning. I still go into giggling fits over stupid jokes. I still dream of traveling the world and writing about what I see and who I meet. I still stay up late with my friends on caffeine highs singing dumb songs. But I also feel sentimental over old memories from when I really was young. The conversations I have with people are deeper and more thoughtful and carry more meaning. I'm getting ready for college and earning money and thinking about the future. 

I think I'm in the middle of this growing up process and it won't be finished for a while. But that's ok. I'm just along for the ride.

Piece by Piece

She would always smile. 

She'd walk into the room and smile at me sometimes, but I could hear the whispering from behind me. I could hear the sound of the voices in the room change. I could hear the way they laughed. 

She'd laugh and make a joke and I would hear the dulled mocking next to me. I'd hear them laughing, but not with her. I'd hear what they had to say about her and her joke after she left the room. And I always wish I hadn't. 

I saw their faces when they looked at her. I heard the way they tore her down. Piece by piece, I watched as they could take every one of her flaws and put them up on a billboard. They ignored how kind she was. How happy she was. How she cared for everyone. None of that mattered to them. They found everything wrong with her that they didn't want to see in themselves. 

She was always smiling. 

But suddenly, 

She wasn't. 

:: :: ::

I've been thinking a lot about bullying lately, and how it affects people. How bullies can take someone's personal insecurities and blow them up for the world to see. It's disgusting and more people need to be aware of how big of an issue it is. Even if you consider the "joke" insignificant, it could have a lasting effect on someone. We all need to be kinder. 

Hello November!

It's the writing season! The stay-up-to-a-time-of-night-you-didn't-realize-existed-and-write-till-you're-sick season! The best season! *no sarcasm whatsoever* 

Happy NaNo month! Why are you reading this, go write! 
Or you know, write after you read this, that works too. I like when people read my posts x)

October was a whirlwind. I knew it was going to be a whirlwind too, back in September, and I couldn't wait for October to come! And now it's over. But that's okay because now I have a new month-full of memories. 

LIFE THINGS

Lots of thinking about college (I'm so excited I can't contain it). Lots of late night adventures, bonfires, lots of midnight sugar-highs, lots of coffee. October was a month of nighttime. Driving around town at night, getting ice cream with friends at 11 PM, painting the street under street lamps. 

Oh yeah, that was cool. In a small town about a half an hour away, they have an all-night festival thing where people come and paint the street. I went for the first time with some friends, and there were so many colors and patterns and people and lights and noises and smells. It was an experience. 

It was a month of nighttime... and art. An art walk downtown. A class trip to an art museum. Painting in the middle of the night. 

October was a whirlwind. Of colors. Of patterns. Of stars. 

BOOK THINGS

I finished Great Expectations, but other than that, not a lot of reading happened. The month was too full, too active. The good news is, November is looking like a reading month to me :) 

WRITING THINGS

I should start keeping track of exactly how many words I write in a month. But I got a good amount of writing in this month, surprisingly. I discovered I focus best on writing when I'm in coffee shops, and I've found my favorite table in my favorite coffee shop and it's all very aesthetic. (And can we talk about how many good fall-themes chai drinks are out now it's the greatest)

And obviously, this month is dedicated to writing. Step aside, social life. Writing is top priority the next 30 days. 

October was...

//crunching leaves

//the smell of coffee

//being wrapped up in blankets on the screen porch, listening to the quiet of night

//sipping iced drinks through a straw

//sandy feet

//car doors at midnight

//the smell of bonfire that lingers on your clothes

//scratchy haybales

Favorite October Moments...

//my friend waking me up with coffee

//ordering too many nachos

//the festival

//the art walk downtown

//taking my sister to see Spiderman

//the multiple bonfires

//running through sprinklers

//stargazing under blankets while Ed Sheeran sang softly in the background

//walking along the beach

Let's talk! How was your month? Are you doing NaNo this year?

Note to Self

Dear Self. 

Don't be crazy. I know it's hot out right now, and heat makes me irritable. But don't be crazy.

Take a shower. I'm sweaty and gross from exercising in this thousand degree weather, and now I need a shower. 

Don't be afraid of spending money, but keep in mind that I have no constant source of income at the moment. 

Think before I speak. Not every thought that comes to my mind is God's gift to the world, and therefore not every thought needs to be shared. Filter out the fluff from the good, kind words that will brighten someone's day. 

Stop procrastinating. I need to write my history essay. I need to do laundry. I need to plot and organize an outline for NaNo. I need to stop with the Netflix and get some work done. 

Stop being afraid, because it's holding me back. I can't be afraid of people not liking me, I can't be afraid of the future, I can't be afraid of truth, and I can't be afraid of screwing up because it's making me less than I could be. And I don't want that. 

If I keep comparing myself to everyone, the uphill climb becomes more vertical. 

Don't be materialistic.

Be generous to myself, as long as I can be generous to others too. 

I don't want to be just another cliche shouting "BE YOURSELF" across the screen, because I don't totally believe in that idea. I want to be who God made me to be. But at the same time, I can't pretend to be something I'm not just to impress people who don't really matter in the long run. 

Relax a little. I'm stressing too much about the small things. Focus and breathe. 

This is Why

Someone asked me recently what my mission as a writer is. And it made me think a lot about why I'm doing this. 

Writing is hard, guys, though I'm sure most of you know. It's hours of typing, brainstorming, editing (the horror), and when you've finished with that, the manuscript is messy, sometimes cheesy, full of plot holes, cringe-worthy, and overall just not... there. (Unless you're a perfect writer, in which case, please give me tips) I very rarely feel like writing. It's something I often have to make myself do. I'm not inspired every day to sit down and write, nor am I always happy about doing it. It's time consuming. Sometimes there are other things I'd rather do. 

Sometimes I read what I've written and think it's awful and why am I trying to be a writer again?? 

Just because I love to write doesn't mean it's always easy to write. So why do I do it?

This is why.

A while back, I sat down and planned on only writing for a little bit. But a little bit turned into multiple hours, and I managed to finish draft one of my story. When I wrote the final words, I screamed and looked the manuscript over quickly, just skimming over it. It was so messy and unorganized and there were notes in the margin I'd made for myself, telling myself to fix this, scrap that, expand this paragraph, find a different word, etc. It wasn't a direct path, it was a tree with branches going in all different directions. It was messy. But it was mine. I started crying right then and there, because holy cow, I'd done it! I wrote a novel! 

Since then I've finished draft two and printed it out and let people read it and it's sitting on my shelf right now. I'll probably never touch it again, as I've moved on to other projects. But guys, it's mine! I took something that was born straight from my imagination and ran with it until it was a reality, and it makes me so unbelievably happy. 

That's why. 

Hello October!

It's October already!! I don't understand how this year is already almost over. I am super excited though because October sort of begins my favorite part of the year. I love the cool, fall weather in October and November, and plus there's all the holidays to look forward to (and my birthday WHAT). Fall is my favorite season and even though we don't really get the full experience in southern California, we still get colder weather and rainy days, the leaves that change, and allllll the fall-themed drinks in the cafes x). 

LIFE THINGS

Well I mean, I think the biggest thing that happened this month was getting accepted to college (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). And that was such a huge thing and now I really can't remember much of the rest of the month hahahahawhoops. 

My cousin drove up one weekend which was SO MUCH FUN because I haven't seen her in a while. We went to dinner and crashed a dance at the very college that accepted me not a week later... x) I also went to lunch with another cousin, who is a freshman at aforementioned college. I can't believe we're going to school together next year. 

It was a month full of people, if that makes sense. I spent so much time getting together with people I haven't seen and meeting good friends for coffee dates, I went to three dances, and just talked to everyone. It's been really nice. 

BOOK THINGS

My grandma gave me a beautiful copy of The Secret Life of Bees. I've seen the movie but hadn't read the book, but once I picked it up I couldn't put it down! I DEFINITELY recommend this book to everyone!!! It's a good book for fall, too. Even though it takes place in summer. It's got fall-ish vibes. 

I'm also working on reading through the Psalms. It was kind of a spontaneous decision to read the Psalms, but I'm glad I am. :)

I'm reading Great Expectations for school and OH MY GOSH Dickens is officially my favorite writer. All the imagery! And just his amazing way with words!! I hope to have a FRACTION of his skill someday. 

WRITING THINGS

I'm slowly but surely working my way through my WIP. I'm going so slow it's ridiculous. I think this is going to be my longest manuscript ever though, which will be quite an achievement for me if I can actually do it. Still deciding if I want to do NaNo or not, but I'm leaning towards yes because I desperately need motivation. 

September was...

//coffee coffee coffee

//talking over the noise of crowds

//late nights

//waffles in the morning

//Snapples

//falling asleep with lightning flashing outside my window

//sunburns

//string lights

Favorite September moments...

//11PM In N Out runs

//getting new notebooks

//going out to eat with family

//setting up for the first school dance

//getting accepted to college

Let's talk! How was your month?

The Unmovable Rock

Last night I found out I got accepted to college. 

This is a weird feeling for me, looking back on all the times in the past year I've felt so overwhelmed with thoughts like what if I don't get in... I get to look back on the times I got stressed out over a failed test, knowing everything affects how colleges will look at me. I get to remember sitting in my aunt's kitchen on my phone and seeing my SAT scores in my inbox. I freaked out over that, I freaked out over writing my ((six)) application essays, I freaked out over taking each PSAT. I lay in my room and cried on bad days, just positive I wasn't good enough, that even God wasn't strong enough to open this door that seemed so closed to me from where I was. 

I surprised myself at first last night. After I got off the phone, I smiled and felt a bit shaky, but it didn't really process. I did what I always imagined I would do if I found out I got in, which was call my best friend. She didn't pick up, so I texted her instead. I realized I should tell my mom and everyone, but first I sat on my bed for the sheer joy of sitting in the same place where I had nearly drowned in all the pressure I'd felt over the past year. And now I could sit there without the huge weight. 

The minute I stepped out into the hallway, it processed. I broke down into a full-on ugly cry. I haven't sobbed so hard in years. 

This was what I've been striving for since before I even started seriously thinking about college. When I was little, it was the college I just assumed I'd go to, but then as I grew up, I realized it's more complicated. Life's more complicated. I might not be good enough. 

And I knew this is what God had planned for me. I knew God was calling me to go to this unbelievable school. But I still sometimes thought, when the door seemed so locked, that maybe not even God could open it. If something seems so impossible, it can be hard to see that He is bigger than this. 

Can God create a rock He cannot lift?

We've all heard this little paradox I'm sure, and for I while, I thought maybe. 

What we have to realize is that He is the Unmovable Rock. 

I started this post thinking it would be about my journey of applying to school, all the doubts and stuff. But that's not really important anymore. It's part of my story, and I love it and wouldn't change a thing, but what's more important is what I've learned from it. 

God is so much bigger than our fears, and He is so much stronger than the bolted door we see. If it's meant to open it will. And God opened this door for me. 

I couldn't be happier :)