Note to Self

Dear Self. 

Don't be crazy. I know it's hot out right now, and heat makes me irritable. But don't be crazy.

Take a shower. I'm sweaty and gross from exercising in this thousand degree weather, and now I need a shower. 

Don't be afraid of spending money, but keep in mind that I have no constant source of income at the moment. 

Think before I speak. Not every thought that comes to my mind is God's gift to the world, and therefore not every thought needs to be shared. Filter out the fluff from the good, kind words that will brighten someone's day. 

Stop procrastinating. I need to write my history essay. I need to do laundry. I need to plot and organize an outline for NaNo. I need to stop with the Netflix and get some work done. 

Stop being afraid, because it's holding me back. I can't be afraid of people not liking me, I can't be afraid of the future, I can't be afraid of truth, and I can't be afraid of screwing up because it's making me less than I could be. And I don't want that. 

If I keep comparing myself to everyone, the uphill climb becomes more vertical. 

Don't be materialistic.

Be generous to myself, as long as I can be generous to others too. 

I don't want to be just another cliche shouting "BE YOURSELF" across the screen, because I don't totally believe in that idea. I want to be who God made me to be. But at the same time, I can't pretend to be something I'm not just to impress people who don't really matter in the long run. 

Relax a little. I'm stressing too much about the small things. Focus and breathe. 

This is Why

Someone asked me recently what my mission as a writer is. And it made me think a lot about why I'm doing this. 

Writing is hard, guys, though I'm sure most of you know. It's hours of typing, brainstorming, editing (the horror), and when you've finished with that, the manuscript is messy, sometimes cheesy, full of plot holes, cringe-worthy, and overall just not... there. (Unless you're a perfect writer, in which case, please give me tips) I very rarely feel like writing. It's something I often have to make myself do. I'm not inspired every day to sit down and write, nor am I always happy about doing it. It's time consuming. Sometimes there are other things I'd rather do. 

Sometimes I read what I've written and think it's awful and why am I trying to be a writer again?? 

Just because I love to write doesn't mean it's always easy to write. So why do I do it?

This is why.

A while back, I sat down and planned on only writing for a little bit. But a little bit turned into multiple hours, and I managed to finish draft one of my story. When I wrote the final words, I screamed and looked the manuscript over quickly, just skimming over it. It was so messy and unorganized and there were notes in the margin I'd made for myself, telling myself to fix this, scrap that, expand this paragraph, find a different word, etc. It wasn't a direct path, it was a tree with branches going in all different directions. It was messy. But it was mine. I started crying right then and there, because holy cow, I'd done it! I wrote a novel! 

Since then I've finished draft two and printed it out and let people read it and it's sitting on my shelf right now. I'll probably never touch it again, as I've moved on to other projects. But guys, it's mine! I took something that was born straight from my imagination and ran with it until it was a reality, and it makes me so unbelievably happy. 

That's why. 

Hello October!

It's October already!! I don't understand how this year is already almost over. I am super excited though because October sort of begins my favorite part of the year. I love the cool, fall weather in October and November, and plus there's all the holidays to look forward to (and my birthday WHAT). Fall is my favorite season and even though we don't really get the full experience in southern California, we still get colder weather and rainy days, the leaves that change, and allllll the fall-themed drinks in the cafes x). 

LIFE THINGS

Well I mean, I think the biggest thing that happened this month was getting accepted to college (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). And that was such a huge thing and now I really can't remember much of the rest of the month hahahahawhoops. 

My cousin drove up one weekend which was SO MUCH FUN because I haven't seen her in a while. We went to dinner and crashed a dance at the very college that accepted me not a week later... x) I also went to lunch with another cousin, who is a freshman at aforementioned college. I can't believe we're going to school together next year. 

It was a month full of people, if that makes sense. I spent so much time getting together with people I haven't seen and meeting good friends for coffee dates, I went to three dances, and just talked to everyone. It's been really nice. 

BOOK THINGS

My grandma gave me a beautiful copy of The Secret Life of Bees. I've seen the movie but hadn't read the book, but once I picked it up I couldn't put it down! I DEFINITELY recommend this book to everyone!!! It's a good book for fall, too. Even though it takes place in summer. It's got fall-ish vibes. 

I'm also working on reading through the Psalms. It was kind of a spontaneous decision to read the Psalms, but I'm glad I am. :)

I'm reading Great Expectations for school and OH MY GOSH Dickens is officially my favorite writer. All the imagery! And just his amazing way with words!! I hope to have a FRACTION of his skill someday. 

WRITING THINGS

I'm slowly but surely working my way through my WIP. I'm going so slow it's ridiculous. I think this is going to be my longest manuscript ever though, which will be quite an achievement for me if I can actually do it. Still deciding if I want to do NaNo or not, but I'm leaning towards yes because I desperately need motivation. 

September was...

//coffee coffee coffee

//talking over the noise of crowds

//late nights

//waffles in the morning

//Snapples

//falling asleep with lightning flashing outside my window

//sunburns

//string lights

Favorite September moments...

//11PM In N Out runs

//getting new notebooks

//going out to eat with family

//setting up for the first school dance

//getting accepted to college

Let's talk! How was your month?

The Unmovable Rock

Last night I found out I got accepted to college. 

This is a weird feeling for me, looking back on all the times in the past year I've felt so overwhelmed with thoughts like what if I don't get in... I get to look back on the times I got stressed out over a failed test, knowing everything affects how colleges will look at me. I get to remember sitting in my aunt's kitchen on my phone and seeing my SAT scores in my inbox. I freaked out over that, I freaked out over writing my ((six)) application essays, I freaked out over taking each PSAT. I lay in my room and cried on bad days, just positive I wasn't good enough, that even God wasn't strong enough to open this door that seemed so closed to me from where I was. 

I surprised myself at first last night. After I got off the phone, I smiled and felt a bit shaky, but it didn't really process. I did what I always imagined I would do if I found out I got in, which was call my best friend. She didn't pick up, so I texted her instead. I realized I should tell my mom and everyone, but first I sat on my bed for the sheer joy of sitting in the same place where I had nearly drowned in all the pressure I'd felt over the past year. And now I could sit there without the huge weight. 

The minute I stepped out into the hallway, it processed. I broke down into a full-on ugly cry. I haven't sobbed so hard in years. 

This was what I've been striving for since before I even started seriously thinking about college. When I was little, it was the college I just assumed I'd go to, but then as I grew up, I realized it's more complicated. Life's more complicated. I might not be good enough. 

And I knew this is what God had planned for me. I knew God was calling me to go to this unbelievable school. But I still sometimes thought, when the door seemed so locked, that maybe not even God could open it. If something seems so impossible, it can be hard to see that He is bigger than this. 

Can God create a rock He cannot lift?

We've all heard this little paradox I'm sure, and for I while, I thought maybe. 

What we have to realize is that He is the Unmovable Rock. 

I started this post thinking it would be about my journey of applying to school, all the doubts and stuff. But that's not really important anymore. It's part of my story, and I love it and wouldn't change a thing, but what's more important is what I've learned from it. 

God is so much bigger than our fears, and He is so much stronger than the bolted door we see. If it's meant to open it will. And God opened this door for me. 

I couldn't be happier :)

A Post

I write books in cafes. I like the smell of coffee in the background and the music playing softly below the chatter. I like watching people come in and out while I type. I enjoy the light from the big windows, the sound of the coffee grinder, the squeak of the chairs. My mind can focus on creating the plot, involving the characters, thinking more deeply. I can focus. 


I write poetry on my bedroom floor. The dappled light from my window splashes across the pages of my notebook, where I try to put words to an emotion. Everything is still, but my mind is a thunderstorm. 


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Sorry for the lack of posting and for the awkwardness of this one. How've you been?

Hello September!

September, you came too quickly. 

So that's that. Another summer come and gone. My friend was telling me this morning how it may have been the best summer of her life, but honestly, for me it went by so fast it all seems so blurry when I look back on it. I really can't compare it to past summers. It's felt like just a small moment in time, not three months. 

However, when someone in the future will ask about my summer of 2017, I'll think of only good memories, happy feelings, moments of laughter. Nothing bad comes to mind. So yeah. I guess it was one of the better ones. 

But this is just about August. 

LIFE THINGS

I came home from the summer program, which was the best two weeks of my life. I said goodbye to a good friend going off to college.  I sat in a coffee shop and drank iced chai lattes and worked on my story for hours. I went to the beach with new friends. I started Senior year of high school (waaaat). 

BOOK THINGS

I read The Murder of Roger Ackroyd by Agatha Christie. Gotta say, the whole first half of the book, I wasn't loving it too much... But WOW that plot twist tho!! If you haven't read Agatha Christie and are looking to read something with wit, suspense, MURDERRRR, surprises, tea, and British accents, all rolled in to a nice convenient little cinnamon roll of a book, Agatha Christie is the one for you, my fren. 

WRITING THINGS

I mentioned this above, but I spent multiple hours in a local coffee shop writing alllll the words. It's still very much a work in progress, and I'm not going nearly as fast as I would like to. But I haven't had a ton of time to write recently, so the fact that I was able to make myself stay at this coffee shop for such a long period of time just writing, writing, writing, (and I managed to figure out a scene I'd been stuck on, thankyouverymuch) was surprising to me. 

AUGUST WAS...

//heat waves (!!!) 

//a feeling of independence, yet familiarity

//driving with the windows down

//planning

//iced lattes

//palm trees and sunshine

//new nail polish

FAVORITE AUGUST MOMENTS...

//watching Sherlock with my brother

//getting coffee after school

//playing capture the flag in the cul-de-sac with alllll my siblings

//music festivals

//spontaneously going to a party with my friend when the party was already half-way over...

//Senior year...

LET'S TALK! HOW WAS YOUR AUGUST?

New Novel and I Question Myself (Legit)(ft. Beautiful People)

HELLO HI I'M BACK AND SUPER EXCITED because today I am talking all about my new story idea... which finally came together after a bajillion years because #braindead.

So have some questions and some answers and eat some cheesecake or something. 

WHAT IS THE STORY'S AESTHETIC?

candles. rain hitting the window. faded t-shirts. broken glass. bruises. coffee. 
BEHOLD THE AESTHETIC BOARD





WHO IS THE PROTAGONIST?

Her name is Bella, she's nineteen, and she's one of those people who is quiet most of the time but you get nervous around her after a while because she's just got this look in her eyes like she's seen more darkness in the world than you could imagine. She's a poor, shattered soul and I love her to pieces and I get to mess up her life a bit because I'm just cruel.

Okay, so here is the August set of Beautiful People questions. 




What are they addicted to/can't live without?

Bella finds it hard to live without security. (And so naturally I throw her into a lot of insecure situations) She likes to know there's a 'safety net', she likes to have a Plan B, etc.

Name 3 positive and 3 negative qualities about your character

Pro: independent. thinks of others first. smart. 

Con: only sees the bad in people. lets herself be taken advantage of, even when she knows it. a very closed up person.

Are they holding onto something they should get rid of?

In a way, no, and that's her issue. She is too scared to hold onto anything, especially hope.

If 10 is completely organized and 1 is completely messy, where do they fall on the scale?

5. She's perfectly half-and-half. Organized when it comes to her thoughts, her ideas, and more important things; messy when it comes to her bedroom, the dishes, etc.

What most frustrates them about the world they live in?

How completely, totally dark it is. She only sees the darkness.

How would they dress for a night out? How would they dress for a night in?

Night out: nice jeans//grey t-shirt//green military jacket//Converse hi-tops//her brother's beanie

Night in: leggings and a t-shirt

How many shoes do they own and what kind?

Not many. She's got a few pairs of Converse, probably a pair of Minnetonka ankle boots, and not much else.

Do they have any pets? What pet do they WISH they had?

Nope, no pets. She likes dogs, though. 

Is there something or someone they resent? Why and what happened?

She basically resents most of the people in her life, because they all kinda backstabbed her in some way. Except her brother, who is too sweet for this world. She adores her little brother. 

What's usually in their fridge of pantry?

I mean, she's nineteen. Poptarts. Cup-o-Noodles. Eggo waffles. Coffee. Clif bars. Chinese take-out leftovers. Those super gross fruit cup things. I dunno, anything quick and easy. 

OKAY so she may have come off as a bit dark, but really it's not her fault, life's been incredibly mean to her. And her brother, another major character, sees more light in the world than she does and so they kind of balance each other out. 

I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS. Thanks for staying with me this far. Love you all <3