Freshman Year

I've been planning on doing a freshman year recap post since like February. I've been planning on doing the usual; a list of random little lessons I learned or moments that made me happy throughout the year. 

But thinking about it, a list doesn't cover it. So here's some of my raw, unrequested thoughts on Freshman year of college (lol). 

Confidence. I didn't really have a grasp on the word in high school. By senior year, I'd come out of my shell a bit and was able to be outgoing around classmates I'd known for years. And at the time I compared that to 13-yr-old me who could barely get out a whisper and was pretty proud of how far I'd come. I thought I had the confidence thing down. 
But other people's opinions of me consumed me still. I let everyone else decide different details about me, and gave others the power to control so much about myself, including my moods and emotions. Whether or not I had a good day was entirely out of my control because I let it be so. I was so dependent on others for happiness and verification. 

This was my biggest struggle. Everyone else had so much power over me, and because of it, I felt bruised. Everyone else's opinions hit me like punches. 
It's a common problem for teenage girls I realize. Throughout social media you can see the surface-level attempts to right the issue. Cheesy self-love poems and artsy quotes about how I am enough are so popular, it seems excessive and, yeah, I've wanted to gag a few times. It sometimes seems ridiculous, but maybe look a little deeper at what these Pinterest quotes are trying to correct. Thousands of teenagers who are kept up at night wondering why they aren't enough of this, of that. Why they aren't enough. It hurts. 

This year, I've finally outgrown that toxic way of thinking. I’ve found people to surround myself with who support me and love me and who grow with me. People who don’t pretend around me, or make me feel like I have to pretend around them. I don’t feel guilty for just being myself anymore.

I’m not blind to how imperfect I am. I see on the daily how much I need Jesus, and how much I need Mary to get to Jesus. I recently reconsectrated myself to Mary, and if you’d like a post just on that experience I’d love to write one. 

I know I lack so much, and that I need to rely on God for so much. I know this, and I’m working on it. But I’ve grown to see also how much God has blessed me with, and this has given me the strength to grow into more of who God wants me to be. I’m not there yet, but with His help I get closer each day. :) 

But it wouldn’t be a freshman year recap post without a list of some kind, so here are a few moments I’m going to miss: 

// dorm nights where me and my friends eat Trader Joe’s snacks in one of our rooms and play music and talk for hours

// walking to a dance and hearing the music gettting louder and louder 

// late nights out, laughing dileriously 

// hitting the “wow” moment in class that just blows all our minds because God is so simple yet so complex 

// sitting down after demonstrating a Euclid prop (the BEST feeling) 

// hiking every Friday after class to the top of the hill and looking down at the campus

// bundling up for colder weather 

// coffee and thrift stores on a Saturday

// beach sunsets as often as possible

// reading in the courtyard

// sleeping in and waking up slowly on a Saturday morning, showering and listening to music 

// bonfire smoke that lingers on our clothes

Words can’t express how crazy and amazing and life changing this year has been. <3