Hello, My Name Is ____

So. They call you the nerd. The chick who wears Star Wars t-shirts and dies her hair blue and reads more than she talks. The one who writes fanfic and gets straight A's and dreams of otherworldly ideas. 

They call you the athlete. The one who is devoted to her team, who never changes out of her jersey, who is loud and competitive. The one who is on a diet and spends her free time in the gym and flunked math but that's okay because you're future is on the field. 

They call you the diva. The one who has more makeup brushes than could actually be useful, who always lends clothes to people because who wouldn't want to dress like you? The one who has tried every drink at Starbucks and doesn't eat carbs and looks cute in every Snapchat filter. 

They call you the "funny one". The one who has a quick wit and a sweet smile, the one who couldn't possibly have any personal problems because she just jokes and laughs 24/7. 


Well. What if the nerd can throw a perfect spiral. 

What if the athlete wears makeup. 

What if the diva likes pizza. 

What if the "funny one" cries herself to sleep each night. 

What then? society asks. How do we label them now? 

You don't. 

Know why? 

Because you are so much more than the name tag pinned to your shirt. You are so much more than your perfect three-pointer, your favorite makeup brand, your hair color, your style, your playlist, your job. People try to make these things into labels, making it a big deal to pin a word to someone's forehead and saying, this, this is what you are. 

So what are you? 

I'm ____. 

Don't fill in that blank. That blank can't capture what you are, what you do, where you've been, the things you go through each day, what makes you smile, laugh, cry. YOU'RE COMPLEX. You, reading this, are such a complex being, and it's amazing! You're a child of God, and He made you to be this way! He made you, and you are pleasing to Him. YOU please the Father of the universe. 

Labels are painful. Don't attach labels to something so complex and beautiful as yourself. You have so much to offer the world, more than what fits into that blank. 

So go spread the love of God today. Because He made us in His Holy Image, but not everyone knows that. Go share the good news. 

First Day of Lent Thoughts...

I went to my first high school winter formal over the past weekend. I helped put it on, actually, and it was a ton of work, but the outcome was worth it. I had so many of my favorite people in one place, and we all dressed up and took horrid quality photos and danced till our muscles ached. 

There's a certain glow that is added to life once you find the right relationships with people. Once you take a step back and look at all the friendships you've made, and think yes, THESE are the ones I want in my life forever. Not all friendships work out, but once you've gotten to a point where you realize, wow, this isn't going anywhere... they're here to stay... that's a beautiful feeling. These are the people I want to have good conversations with, people I want to laugh with and walk through life's obstacles with. People I want to take ridiculously bad looking pictures with, and see new places with, and explore new memories with.

We don't have to find them right away. Often it takes a lifetime to find your good relationships and build a good group of friends. And I'm not naive; I know that even though it feels like the friendships I have now are forever, I know that life happens and they may not last. But it's so nice to just think about who is in your life NOW, who is making your life a happier one. 

This is something I have discovered with my relationship with God recently as well. The people in my life, even if it feels like the perfect, life-long friendship, could leave someday. But my friendship with God is truly the perfect, everlasting relationship. So I want to spend time this Lent building it up. I want my friendship with God to be a meaningful one, one that becomes not just a part of my life, but IS my life. 

This is what I'm working on this Lent. I'm spending more time with God. 

Hello February!

Guys!! I've been absent a lot, I know, I haven't been very active on this blog or others. BUT THAT CHANGES. Hopefully. 

Let's talk about January though! 

LIFE THINGS

Went back to school, was super busy all the time, same old, same old. I went to the LA Walk for Life, which was really awesome. 

I just enjoyed this month. I got better at living in the moment and enjoying what comes. My eating habits were pretty bad coming into this month, but I made myself start eating better and I mentally feel a lot better when I eat healthy. So I've been in a pretty good mood lately. :) But I also learned more about my own faith and discovered I've set up some boundaries for myself in my own spiritual life. I'm working on taking them down because God loves me with an infinite love, and while I can never repay that, I want to be able to honestly say I can give Him all of me. 

BOOK THINGS

Mostly re-reading... except for school. I'm reading Dante's Divine Comedy in English, although actually that's a re-read too...But I have a post inspired by the Inferno coming, and I'm excited about it. 

WRITING THINGS

I set a deadline for myself, that I had to hit 45K words before the end of the month. And I failed, but I came pretty close! And I've decided to stop setting so many deadlines when it comes to writing this book because it takes the fun away from it and makes it feel like a chore and I get less motivated to write. 

It's going to be a long book, though. No end in sight. I'm hoping to be done before summer starts though. 

January was...

//late nights where the world seems altered just the slightest

//mac n cheese dinners

//sitting in the very front pew in church, talking to God

//spontaneous adventures that weren't actually that spontaneous but there was a lot of laughter :)

//early morning drives

//rain on the window

Favorite January Moments...

//writing in a cafe

//driving with the windows down

//laughing with my brothers about inside jokes

//eating In N Out (I mean it's just the best, it should always be in this list)

LET'S TALK!! HOW WAS YOUR MONTH?

Small Adventures

I haven't traveled the world yet. 

But I have cut across fields in my bare feet and shorts, the weeds scratching my ankles, as I ran to catch up to the others. I saw the stars just beginning to blink themselves awake and the hills that met the sky. I felt the wind as I ran, the cold air, and that feeling of pure joy. 

I've driven around town in the dark. The street lights glaring down, the traffic lights reflected in the raindrops that hit my windshield. I felt the hum of the engine, and sang along to the radio as I watched unfamiliar streets go by. 

I've sat alone in new cafes, glued to the laptop as I wrote. I've seen the different people come in and out, a part of my life for a moment and then gone. I've listened to the background music above the sound of conversation, the coffee grinder and the peaceful tap, tap, tap of my fingers on the keyboard. 

I don't need to travel the world, not yet anyway. I don't want to think I'm not really living just because I haven't seen all the wonders of the world. I know what the stars look like at 2 AM. I know the sounds of the waves crashing on the beach. I've seen unfamiliar city lights in the distance. I've tried new foods at local restaurants, I know the pain you get in your stomach from laughing too hard. I know how to go on an adventure without leaving town. 

It's good practice for when I actually do travel the world. 

But for now, it's my small adventures that are making me happy. :)

2 truths and a lie

I get in the car and slam the door closed, cutting off any noise from outside. I rest my head back and exhale, rubbing my eyes. It was a hard day. It was a weird day. It was one of those days people get when their heart feels bruised. One of those days where choosing to be happy anyway is difficult. The sun was setting as I started driving home and I turned on the radio. I rolled down the window, even though the AC was running on high, just for a minute. I wanted to feel the wind between my fingers. And suddenly it was hard to be sad. I could feel the breeze weaving around my hand as my fingers surfed the wind, and it felt like life. It felt like choosing joy. 

My footsteps echoed softly off the white walls in the large empty room. Near empty. On every wall was another painting by another artist, another masterpiece. Each painting had a different person's perspective of reality imprinted upon it. Everyone in the room was transfixed by one painting or statue or another. Everyone in the room found some connection or attraction to some artistic piece, and suddenly I wondered what was wrong with me. Because in a room full of masterpieces, I realized I'd rather look at you. 

Dad told me to duck as my brother threw another snowball in my direction. I laughed and brushed the snow away from my new purple jacket. I tugged my beanie down over my ears and tried to make a snowball myself, but it crumbled in my hands. "No fair," I shouted, but no one believe I could actually be mad, since I was still laughing. The birch trees that lined the path made us feel enclosed and isolated from the rest of the world as we walked in the quiet that was only broken by our voices. My sister tried to make a snow angel, but got too cold in the snow. My brother managed to make another snowball, but instead of throwing it at me he crumbled it over my head and I gasped as it landed on me. I ripped off my now-wet beanie and chased him around till we were tired. 

2017 Wrap-Up

my mom got me this calendar and one of those candles :) kinda super aesthetic.

I know, I know. This is the most common post title in the blogging community these days. But it's simple and easy and we are wrapping up the year, after all. 

2017 was a crazy, amazing, wonderful year. Not meaning it was all fun and every day I was happy and only good things happened to me. But I grew up a little more this year and became a little more of the person I'm hoping to be. 
It was anything but a boring year. 

Some highlights...

I turned 18. I started Senior year of high school. I got accepted to college. I had my first job interview. I rediscovered my immense love for sushi. I figured out that happiness isn't something that happens to us, it's a choice. I exercised regularly. I started spiritual direction and learned to take my relationship with God more seriously. I consecrated myself to Mary. I learned to properly drive in LA (sort of). The Thomas Fire came hurtling through my hometown and burned so much. I spent the first half of the year plotting my new book and spent the second half writing it. I took the SAT. I went to a two week college program over the summer, which definitely was two of the best weeks ever. I celebrated my three-year blogoversary. I went to Palm Springs with a bunch of my family. I participated in Kate's Blood Race Blog Tour! Over spring break, I went back to the East Coast which was an awesome trip. I privately published my last novel and held it in my hands for the first time. Back in January, I went up to San Francisco for the West Coast Walk For Life. 

It was a good year. 

I'm not really setting any goals for myself this year, as 2018 is probably going to be the craziest year of my life so far. I'm going to graduate high school in five short months and then in eight months I'll be off to college. I do have plans for this blog once I leave home in August to a new home where there is no consistent wifi... I do have plans, and I'll let you know what those plans are once that time comes. 

2018 is going to be a mountain. But I'm taking it step by step. 

Over the year I kept a list of things I learned throughout the year. I've done this for the past two years and I really like it (here's 2015 and here's 2016). Here's a compilation of what I learned in 2017: 

//Don't lie. Ever. 

//Stress is the worst, but tea helps

//Live in the moment!!

//You can be stressed and happy at the same time

//Take initiative!

//Beautiful little things happen :)

//Don't live a life of missed opportunities

//It's easier to be happy

//Who cares? Be happy anyway

//Sometimes it's not worth is; and you should be able to distinguish those moments from the moments where it's worth everything

//Hardship passes

//Compliment people :)

//I don't like competing

Let's talk!! How was your year? Do you have any goals? Happy New Year and thanks so much for reading!!

The Year the Winds Were Cold

The Santa Anna winds come up sometime in the first semester of school every year. They come hot and fast and dry, and it's my least favorite week of school for the whole year. It's a week of chapped lips and holding our skirts down and fanning our faces and necks with papers and books. 
But this year, for whatever reason, they came late. On Monday, December 4th, the winds came with a wintery bite instead of a heat wave. They still came strongly. 
I left school late that day. All over campus were the usual conversations of "I can't believe it's only Monday" and "see you tomorrow!" My friend walked me to my car and we laughed most of the way. It was cloudy and the sun had set, giving the world a purple hue. I drove away, wondering when I would have time to write my thesis or finish my math homework. 
That night, the wind picked up. I sat on my bed watching random comedian clips when I got a text from a friend on the East Coast, asking if I was okay. When I asked why, she told me about the fire. 

the actual fire (not my image)

About half and hour away, the college I'm going to next year was being evacuated due to a fire in the hills. I called my cousin who goes to that school to find out if he was okay and where he was going, and he in turn asked if I was okay and if our grandparents were okay. Our grandparents live down the block from me, and we all were a good half an hour from the college. I scoffed because I couldn't believe he was worried. We weren't in danger. It was not the first time there had been a little fire in the hills up there. I was fine. 
An hour later, my dad told me the fire was looking bad and that I might want to pack a bag, "just in case." I didn't. Not right away, anyway. I was comfortable in my bed and the loud wind outside made my room seem more cozy, and I wasn't in a big hurry to pack anything. I had school the next day, after all. 
Around 10:30 PM, the lamps in my room blinked. Then again. Then it was dark. You've got to be kidding me. I turned on the flashlight and went out in the hall and my dad told me to pack a bag again. 
The fire was coming. The fire was here. I threw a couple t-shirts in a backpack and anything that was irreplaceable to me. But looking around my room, I realized how little of it was irreplaceable. I took my favorite hoodie, my school books, the nice pair of earrings my grandma had given me, my notebook. That's about it. We met my grandparents and we left. 10:48 PM. 
I had to drive one of the cars part way, just far enough till it was away from the fire. My brother came with me. The wind was brutal, the smoke poisoned the air. 
As we left town, I could see the hills I lived on. They were ablaze with hellish flames.  

I got to come home today. My house survived, by some miracle. The air is still not that great, and all my stuff smells like smoke. The fields across the street are charred and black and the houses aren't there anymore. 
I wonder when it won't be strange to drive down the streets that used to be so memorized in my mind and see them so altered. I wonder when I won't be shocked as every other house is in ruins and people I know are homeless. I wonder when I'll be able to drink water from my own faucet. I wonder if the image of my hillside in flames will ever fade. 

I write this all down, not to ask for a pity party or try and tell you all that I went through some harrowing experience, because it isn't true. I got so lucky. Not everyone was. I write all this down because I want to remember all the details. I want to remember how it happened. I want to always remember that I can't take my home and belongings for granted. 

The year the winds were cold was the year my world went up in flames.